Reflections on the road that led me here.

Time seems to be passing by so quickly and still I have not made decisions regarding travel insurance and car rentals.  Before I pay any more deposits my insurance needs to be in place to cover those deposits.
I have been reflectingg on why I have not moved forward with these things and have concluded that fear is getting in the way.  As long as it is only a dream it is safe to imagine, but as soon as tickets are bought and deposits paid it becomes real and that is much more scary.
I have been brought up to be cautious, careful; to always be wary and aware of what could go wrong.  Perhaps this is because as the oldest I always had to look out for the others and protect them from danger.  Perhaps it is also a result of my line of work, my training in risk management.  Regardless, it is so contrary to who I really am and the way I want to live the rest of my life.  Not that I am irresponsible or reckless, I just want to learn to live without fear.  I often wonder where I would be today had I not let fear dictate decisions in my life.  How would my life have been different?  Would I have dared to dream and chased those dreams earlier in life?
I believe that we create our own reality through our thoughts, actions and fears.  I also believe everything happens for a reason and that  our souls have chosen to live this life in order to learn valuable life lessons that advance the soul to a greater understanding.  One soul has many lives, each unique and specifically designed to provide opportunities for spiritual growth.  If an opportunity is presented and the lesson is not learned, that same situation will occur over and over again  to provide repeated opportunities to learn the lesson required.
So I must ask myself what is to be learned by being afraid?  Letting fear dictate my decisions means always playing it safe.  But for me, playing it safe is like being numb.  It takes the joy out of life.  Fears are shackles that imprison our imagination, our creativity, and crush our spirit.
What exactly am I afraid of anyway?  Is it fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, or maybe it is all of the above?
I have a theory about fear and joy.  Imagine a pendulum...at one end of its swing is fear and all the negativity that goes with it, self doubt, vulnerability, insecurity.  At the opposite end of the pendulums swing resides joy, love, peace and creativity.  In order to protect ourselves from being vulnerable or getting hurt we may choose to restrict the pendulums swing so that it does not reach its full apex, so we will not feel the full impact; however to do so causes the equal and opposite reaction on the other side of centre.   The experience of joy, passion, love, peace and creativity are also equally restricted.
I choose to live with my heart fully open so that I can experience both extremes, both good and bad.  You cant have one without accepting the possibility of the other.
This brings me full circle to reflect again on what is blocking me from doing what needs to get done to be prepared for my trip to Italy.  I do feel fear but exhilaration at the same time.  Both extremes pulling me in opposite directions.  I will not let fear keep me from living my best life, from living my dreams, from expressing myself through creative means.  I feel the fear and acknowledge it, understanding that I have created it as a means to protect myself from perceived danger; however I can choose to move forward anyway, to take the risk and do whatever I can to manage it.  To practice what I have been preaching professionally. It is so easy to teach these concepts to others and so hard to apply them to your own life. 

Tomorrow I will make a decision regarding travel insurance and choose one of the options for a car  lease by the end of the week.  Onward and upwards!